Will Peinsama help Tobi practice making babies?
by anacoana
Summary: Tobi has a question for Pein... thanks to Hidan. And the others. Pointless, hopefully funny, VERY light yaoi pairings, T  once again  thanks to Hidan. Enjoy!


This is sorta random… pretty pointless… and written at about 1:00 in the morning because the plot bunnies have been ATTACKING ME! Not that it's a bad thing of course… Oh yeah!

Naruto is not mine, because if it was, Zabuza and Haku would be alive still, Neji would show up more often, and the Akatsuki would have their own show.

OoOoOoOoOo

Pein slid into the kitchen chair with a sigh of relief. _Finally_, he had time to relax. He had almost died on the solo mission he had just gotten back from, but now he had coffee, and everything was well in the world.

Pein took a big, blissful gulp of coffee just as Tobi burst in exclaiming, "Pein-sama! Will you help Tobi practice making babies?"

Pein spit out the coffee. "_Hell no!_"

Tobi's shoulders slumped. "But….but Hidan-san said that practice makes perfect, and that Pein-sama might help!"

Burying his face in his hands, Pein heaved a sigh. So Hidan was behind this….why was he not surprised?

Scooting his chair closer to the one Tobi had slumped into in his disappointment, Pein decided to handle this delicately. Touching the tips of each of his fingers to its twin on the other hand, he asked carefully, "Tobi… while I was gone, what happened that led to Hidan telling you to ask me to help you practice making babies?"

Tobi brightened instantly. "Tobi will tell you!"

**_**Tobi Flashback**_**

"….I think I have to agree with Tobi on this one." Kisame finally said, looking from Hidan to Kakuzu. The entire Akatsuki (minus Pein) were in the kitchen, huddled around a small table, at which only Hidan and Kakuzu sat, one on either side.

"What?' Hidan cried, banging his fist on the table. "How dare you side with Tobi and fuckin' Kakuzu you fuckin' fish! I _will_ be able to drink ten glasses of sake in less than a damn minute! I'm not a fuckin' girl you bastard; I can hold my damn sake!"

Itachi heaved a dubious sigh. "You're siding with _Tobi_ Kisame? Tobi; the one who actually believed you that babies magically come from Baby Land to their mother's stomach after you chickened out of telling him how it really happens?"

Kisame grimaced, embarrassed. "But then I'd have to explain about sex! And I don't want to explain stuff like that to _Tobi_! Besides, it's better than the stupid stork thing Deidara was telling him about!"

The blond haired bombist stuck his tongue out at Kisame. "That's what my parents told me un! They didn't get to how it _really _happens hmm!"

"That brings up a damn good point though!" Hidan cried, downing the bottle of sake in front of him that Kakuzu had opened when mentioning the bet made earlier. "Why the fuck are _we _stuck with telling damn Tobi this stuff? His fuckin' parents should've told him!"

All attention turned to Tobi, who simply said, "Tobi's parents might've told him once, but the singing squirrels and music in Tobi's head drowns things out a lot."

Everyone stared at Tobi for a moment before Sasori dryly commented, "I think something happened to Tobi shortly after he was born."

"Like, he was dropped un?" Deidara contemplated.

Itachi shook his head, watching Tobi move his head in time to the music in his head. "I think someone beat his head with a hammer. A simple drop wouldn't've caused that much damage."

Konan looked thoughtful. "Did anyone's parents have the Talk with them? Mine just expected me to figure things out for myself."

Hidan answered first. "Mine did. The fuckers told me when I was ten. Jashinists are expected to have active sex lives at a damn early age."

"I already answered." Deidara said, and looked to Sasori.

Sasori studied them all, then simply said, "Yes. It was awkward."

Itachi shrugged. "My mother was too embarrassed, and my father thought training me was more important. We never really got around to it."

Zetsu looked at them all like they were stupid. "…I'm a fuckin' plant. Plants don't have sex."

There was a minute or two of silence as everyone tried to imagine two plants having sex. The images conjured were all diverse, and all terrifying.

Kakuzu shook his head, trying to make the disturbing image in his head go away. "I never asked, so my parents never said. I was more interested in money. I won ten dollars because a friend bet me that my parents would give me the Talk when I was 14. I didn't ask, so they didn't tell."

Kisame shrugged, looking embarrassed and resentful at the same time. "My parents thought no one would ever want me because of my looks, so they didn't bother."

"So…" Itachi said, drawing out the word. "It's up to either Hidan or Sasori to explain things to Tobi."

Hidan and Sasori looked at each other distastefully before Sasori spoke. "I vote that Kisame explains it."

"I second that damn it!" Hidan said quickly.

Kisame gaped at them, aghast. "Why me?"

"It gives you a chance to make up for chickening out before." Kakuzu noted, and the others nodded. Sasori simply gave Kisame a look that said that he was going to do it whether he liked it or not, because there was no way in hell Sasori was explaining it.

Kisame sighed in defeat, and turned to Tobi. "You want to learn how babies are really made Tobi?" He asked, trying desperately to remember what his friends had said their parents had told them.

Tobi nodded excitedly. "Yes! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi wants to learn!"

Sighing again, Kisame grabbed Tobi's arm, and started pulling him away. "Look Tobi; when a boy loves a girl, or they're both just bored-"

"_Ahem._" Kisame turned and saw Konan pointing with her head to Sasori and Deidara, who were currently kissing.

Kisame nodded, and started again. "Tobi, when two _people _are in love, or they're both just bored…"

OoOoOoOoOoOo

An hour later, Tobi came running over to the others, who were now in the living room, with Hidan groaning and holding his head, and Kakuzu grinning smugly and counting some money he had recently acquired. "Tobi knows now! Tobi knows how babies are made! Sasori-sama, you and Deidara-san must really want babies since you practice all the time! Can Tobi name one Tobi?"

A secretly amused Itachi tore his gaze away from the madly blushing lovers to ask, "Where's my idiot partner?"

"He told Tobi he was going to go train and forget that the last hour ever happened!"

"Well Tobi…" Hidan said with an evil grin. "They-whoever the hell _they _are anyways the bastards- say practice makes perfect, right motherfucker?"

When Tobi nodded, Hidan jerked his head towards the kitchen, grinning wider. "Leader-sama just got back; I'm damn sure the fuckin' bastard will help you practice."

**_**End Tobi Flashback**_**

"And then Tobi came in here and asked, and Leader-Sam spit his coffee all over, and said 'Hell no!' really loud, and Tobi got sad and-"

"Okay Tobi." Pein said, holding up his hand. "I get it, thank you."

"Will Leader-sama help Tobi practice now?"

Pein considered this. He was still stressed from the mission, Tobi could actually be cute sometimes (okay, most of the time) and he always had been curious about what was behind that mask… "Sure Tobi, I'll help you."

"Yay! Tobi is a good boy!"

The rest of the Akatsuki watched as the two headed to Pein's bedroom, and Itachi hmmped. "Finally. It's about time."

"I told you guys Leader-sama just needed a bit of a push un." Deidara commented as he turned on the TV.

OoOoOoOoOoOo

Well….? Did ya like it? Love it? Hate it? Do you have any idea who _they _are that Hidan mentioned? Tell me! Please and thank you!


End file.
